Personal story : The truth about what's really like to freeze your eggs
At the beginning of this year I shared with you the news that I was starting the process of freezing my eggs (Babies on ice as I like to say). I’ve been planning to do it for a long time, but procrastination is very attractive. And then the pandemic came along. Deep in my heart I believed that I would be a mom by now, but the reality is that I am not even close, so I couldn’t wait any longer. I’m 37 years old, while still young at heart, old in reproductive years. It’s downhill from now fertility-wise making pregnancy much more difficult.
Knowing that my ovarian reserve is low was the worst news for me. The words from my dear doctor Carlos “you have to begin this yesterday”, were all I heard in my first appointment. When somebody tells you bad news, or something you don’t want to hear, the sound of language becomes just a distant noise, you know?
I honestly had no idea what a big challenge this was going to be for me. Like many other women’s health issues I discuss and talk about, egg freezing is also something we often keep secret. We know little (or nothing) on the impact it causes on our bodies and minds until it’s your turn to live it. Even if you were told otherwise, it is an invasive and demanding procedure. What I thought would be simple, something that gynecologists (who do not specialize in fertility) tell you as “it’s only a two-week thing”, for me it turned out to be a very hard test that lasted six months.
I can’t really complain that much though. I know many stories of women who have tried for years or who continue to struggle. Women who are also doing IVF without being able to get pregnant. Sending love to all of you who trusted in me and shared your experience with me.
It's a bit ironic, isn't it? Most of us spend our entire twenties worrying and fearful of pregnancy, and in our late thirties our wish is for it to be as easy as getting drunk. Not for nothing there are 48.5 million couples in the world who experience infertility. (Reproductive Biological Endocrinology, 2015)
Now that my body and mind are returning to normal, I thought it was important to share what I lived, hoping that my experience will make someone else feel less lonely and also for those who are considering it in the future. In the face of any adversity, there’s always a silver lining, sometimes it is difficult to see it, but it’s there, so I decided to make a list of every difficult moment that I went through and simply focus on being grateful. At the end of the day I have no regrets at all. Although I had moments of wanting to quit, there’s peace on not having a biological pressure anymore.
Remember that each woman is different and each body responds in different ways to medicines, treatments, hormones, etc. This is my personal experience. Not all cases are the same.
My babies on ice list
1. It takes courage to make this decision
Today I choose to be proud of myself. Not all of us want to be moms at a young age. Some prioritize professional growth, others want to wait for a more stable financial situation. There are some of us who haven’t found the right partner, or there are women who are not ready for babies and that’s okay. The problem is that we have the biological clock ticking.
Silver lining: I’m grateful for medical advances' ability to extend our reproductive years. I acknowledge my luck and privilege to be able to freeze my eggs. Shoutout to my dad! Love u.
2. It’s all about perfect cycle rhythm
During my first appointment my doctor performed a vaginal ultrasound in order to see my uterus, endometrium and ovaries. What follows are several blood tests and vaginal cultures to have a more complete medical evaluation. The antimüllerian hormone (AMH) is one of the most important studies, as it is the one that measures the quantity and quality of your ovarian reserve. At the same time, I began my daily intake of vitamins and antioxidants that help improve the quality of the eggs.
My next menstrual cycle was key in knowing how many follicles (bag that contains the egg) I had in each ovary. To know this a vaginal ultrasound is done again. Depending on the number of follicles, it is decided whether or not to start hormone treatment that stimulate egg production. A minimum of 10 follicles is the amount required. Normally the treatment lasts between 10 and 14 days until the day of the extraction, accompanied by multiple check-ups, vaginal ultrasounds and blood tests.
To sum up, the perfect time to freeze is measured by our menstrual cycle, so if there's a bad cycle we must wait for the next one. This is why the process takes longer for some people. Saying that a cycle is not good does not mean that it is a bad thing. It is part of our body’s nature. All women have better cycles than others.
Silver lining: I am grateful that I am at a moment in my life where I have the time and space to do all of this, without the stress of having to get up at a certain time, go to an office, or have a heavy workload.
Tip: If you have a more demanding job, or have to meet certain schedules, I recommend that you talk to your boss. Explain the process and ask for support from the people around you. Maybe you can work from home, ask for a few days off, or use your vacation days. Trust me, with hormones, chronic fatigue gets rough and you're going to need a lot of rest.
3. A voice note with unexpected news
"Come see me next week to talk in person about your hysterosonography result," my doctor's voicemail message led me to create the worst stories in my mind which caused me a lot of anxiety, on the verge of having a panic attack.
A hysterosonography is a special ultrasound to better see the inside of the uterus and that’s how I discover that I have a septum. A septum is like a partition in the uterus that can make pregnancy difficult; it can interfere with the implantation process and even cause miscarriages. This is congenital and can be corrected with surgery. I dare say that it is something that nobody likes to hear.
Silver lining: I appreciate that this did not prevent the extraction of my eggs, and I also appreciate having all the necessary information to be able to take care of it before I decide to get pregnant.
4. The famous hormone injections
Each day I am more and more surprised at our body’s resilience. It is without a doubt the best instrument we’ll ever own. Synthetic hormones play an important role, as they help the ovaries produce as many eggs possible during a cycle, rather than just one egg. This hormonal boost has a major impact on the body since it is not natural the natural way. The more eggs produced, the better opportunities for a baby. Talk about pressure! I don’t have many eggs left so this caused a lot of stress for me. I was too demanding with my body. There’s an inevitable feeling of “failing” as a woman.
Note:
Injections are given in the morning and at night. If you bruise and feel burning or itching in the area where you inject, it is normal.
Silver lining: I am grateful for a friend who helped me with my first injections. Later on I managed to overcome (a bit) my fear of needles.
5. Toll on my body
The new hormones took a toll on me. I had not known the real meaning of chronic fatigue until now. There were days and nights of terrible headaches, nausea, loss of appetite. My belly was bloated like a ballon. I guess there is nothing sadder than looking pregnant without being pregnant. I had zero desire to leave home due to the level of discomfort with my body in general.
In the last days it was already on the verge of exploding. The pain in my ovaries overwhelmed me so I managed to sleep most of the time. I felt like a chicken about to burst. And, to all this I developed severe hair loss, a lot of pimples, and horrible dark spots below my eyes.
Silver lining: I’m grateful that I had a mini pregnancy preparation and the opportunity to sleep and rest as much as I wanted. Oh, and the good news is that the face mask hides a lot of insecurities.
6. 1st extraction and my mental health
Ready for the big day. Nervous, with a little bit of nausea, and thirsty because I had been fasting since the night before. I was looking forward to the cocktail anesthesia and get this over with. I arrived with the idea in my head that it would only be that time since I had 5 follicles in each ovary. To my surprise, they extracted those 10 I had but only four eggs had matured enough to be frozen, which got me really angry at myself; at my uterus.
It was inevitable to feel depressed. My body failed me. It failed in what a woman is “supposed to” be able to do right. And, on top of that I’d experienced one of the common side effects after the extraction: hemorrhoids. Yes! It was painful.
I had no choice but to accept my reality, keep meditating and remain mindful, and opt for self-compassion in order to prepare for the second round.
Silver lining: I was lucky that one of my best friends was there for me the whole time. Thanks Güera!
7. On doing it alone
You can have support from a partner, family, therapist, pet, friends, gurus, witches... and still feel alone. In the end, no one is living it more than you, and mood swings don't help much when feeling blue. For me it was difficult to experience the grief of a relationship at the same time. The absence of that love broke me. Oh, the tears. I cried and cried and cried more. I remember that one day I ordered take out, and the order came wrong, and I cried as if I was watching The Notebook.
Silver lining: I appreciate what I learned about myself in those difficult times, as they made me grow. I learned how to be strong alone.
8. My life was put on hold
Suddenly I found myself in a strange limbo. Coming from a year of pandemic, confinement, stress, losses ... where everything changed. Although we’re kind of coming back to a new normal, somehow I continued to feel paralyzed, half lost, not knowing where and how to move forward.
While on treatment, I was unable to do my workout routine. I couldn't have sex. I did everything half way. I didn't have any energy to work. I canceled a lot of work stuff, dates, meetings with friends. Normally I love collaborating with other women who have projects similar to mine, and I said no to everything. People reached out for interviews, podcasts, collaborations ... Nothing seemed important enough to me. I was overly sensitive and afraid that at any moment I might have a mood swing attack in front of other people.
Silver lining: I’m grateful for taking a break from cigarettes and alcohol. Both very bad for fertility.
9. When a cycle is bad
There are "bad" cycles. I put it in quotes because that is what doctors call it, but it does not necessarily mean that it is something serious. Sometimes there is a hormonal imbalance. There are cycles where we ovulate more than others, and there are cycles where we do not ovulate at all. Sometimes our periods are really heavy and sometimes they are lighter. Sometimes the color of the blood is different. The woman's body is a mystery to me. Stress, sudden changes, nutrition… many things affect our cycle and we don't even realize it. Normally we are not used to having vaginal ultrasounds every month to see what’s up with our uterus.
Just when I thought I was ready for the second round, already starting the first week of hormone injections, my doctor canceled my cycle because my eggs did not grow as they should. Better luck next time!
Silver lining: I appreciate life’s way of teaching me how to be more patient.
Tip: One of my friends (who also went through this) recommended that I eat a lot of acai. Maca and green tea are also very good for fertility.
10. Oh, now I have cysts on my uterus
My next cycle was not good either. I could not move forward with the extraction because I had cysts, so my doctor prescribed contraceptives to make them disappear faster. These types of cysts tend to go away on their own, but I was against the clock. My body has always hated birth control pills but I had no choice but to take them for a month. More hormones, more weird symptoms. Especially headaches, cramps and loss of appetite.
Silver lining: I appreciate that I learned to be much more compassionate with myself.
11. The love of a dog changed my life
Just when I was about to quit, Micky came into my life. A very beautiful Beagle puppy that my dad gave me as a gift. This wonderful responsibility came with lots of joy and a lot of distraction as well. With her arrival I stopped thinking about everything that had to do with my eggs and fertility. I focused on playing with her, training her, pampering her. My everyday companio forced me to create a new routine; a new time structure. Going outside, walking every day and watching every sunset. Just when I was of
My next period came so I had my monthly appointment with my doctor. In the ultrasound we could see that I no longer had the cysts and that my ovaries were ready to receive a new dose of hormones. It amazed me how suddenly I had a good cycle and a good batch of eggs. Yay! Third time's a charm.
Silver lining: "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." John Lennon.
12. Last attempt and the death of Micky
Micky, may she rest in peace, passed away two days before my extraction. At just 4 months old, her little heart stopped growing and she died in my arms. Imagine how devastated I was. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. One of the most difficult days that I have lived for sure. People who have not had pets do not understand it, but they become part of the family, and losing them is like losing any loved one.
With the help of my mother, I managed to survive that weekend, following up with the injections and stimulation treatment. I was ready for the extraction but the sadness left me completely numb. My swollen eyes gave me away so the nurses had to witness my tears until I fell asleep from the anesthesia. After two hours I woke up with the news that the extraction had been a success. I know I'm going to sound kind crazy, maybe it was the drugs, but I felt Micky was there with me the whole time.
Silver lining: thank you Micky for your unconditional love.
13. Women supporting women
Do you sometimes feel that you over share on Instagram? It happened to me this time that posted a photo to my personal account showing my bloated belly. At first I was hesitant to share it but later I thought that the solidarity us women have is invincible. It was amazing to receive loving messages from my female community. Even with women that I only know through social media, giving the time to offer tips, cheers, words of affection and support from a distance is powerful.
Silver lining: I thank my community of women for making me feel less alone. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!
I finish my story with great pride and with an insurance of a dozen frozen eggs. My future babies are healthy and in very good hands. I’m at peace now. It’s time to move on; time to keep living.