Woman: you are allowed to grief your miscarriage or abortion

Universal taboo, stigma, shame, loneliness, shock, total denial, anger, sadness, rage, guilt, scared, health or lack of it, isolation, depression… are some of the words that come to my mind when I think about abortion. Any type of abortion. It doesn’t matter whether it is a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or an abortion, it’s a terrible loss and grieving is allowed. It's when I think about a woman crying alone in her bathroom discarding blood clots and embryonic remains after her sudden miscarriage. It’s when I think about a pregnant woman who just received the news that her baby died inside of her and she has to give birth to it. It’s when I think about a woman torn between making the excruciating decision whether to have an abortion or not. My heart breaks! These three scenarios occur every day. These three scenarios happen or can happen to half the population. These three scenarios are in the patriarchal political mouths and in the ignorant moral opinion of many people, however, in complete silence from those who really experience it. These three scenarios are divided into two parts: for those who are privileged who can have safe access to healthcare, and for those who do not. These three scenarios are the deep and dark secret of many women just as Uma Thurman mentioned in her amazing personal essay about her abortion when she was a teenager.

I know there is no Hallmark card that says it’s okay to grief your miscarriage, or it’s okay to mourn your abortion. Well, there should be. The physical, emotional and mental pain that goes hand in hand with it remains invisible, but it doesn’t make it less real than death. It doesn’t mean that one can quickly let go and move on as if nothing happened. Sadly, that is what the world offers. By law, we’ve learned to keep it quiet. By society’s moral standards we’ve learned to bury it and let life go on.

Since it’s Women’s Month, I want to talk about this sensitive issue, most importantly out of necessity. About what it means for us women to lose a baby this way. From the real, traumatic and raw experiences that are kept in silence.  Even if it’s the best decision to make for yourself, for your body, for your peace of mind, it’s not easy to cope. Everybody has an opinion about it, but no one has the guts to actually ask and listen carefully what it really means to us and the way our lives can radically change. 

It means going into a complete state of shock that at times you forget that it has happened to you. It means feeling really angry towards your doctors. It means not being able to sit down next to your pregnant friend. It means loosing or gaining weight. It means feeling sharp pain that triggers the horrible memory. It means a deterioration in your mental health. It means going to therapy. It means feeling that your body has failed you. It means withdrawing from the world. It means not being able to celebrate a baby shower. It means holding back tears when you see baby clothes. It means sadness feels like a forever emotion. It means tolerating the side effects of antidepressants. It means not being able to see your partner the same way for a while. It means suffering in silence. It means that for a moment you lose your desire to become a mom… the list is long. In the end, it means trauma. So, for that, it means you have the right to grief your own way.

When several Hollywood actresses came forward with their abortion stories, suddenly the entire world became an expert on the subject. Especially some men (and women) once again thinking it’s okay to talk and judge what they know nothing about. What they haven’t dare to ask properly. It’s interesting to witness what makes them selectively deaf and yet, are still willing to talk about something that doesn’t happen to them. It’s out there in the news, in talk shows, in comedy… Recently, I watched Bill Burrs’, a very well known comedian, Netflix special and I lost complete respect for him. He addresses the issue about abortion confessing that he has mixed feelings. On one hand he says that he supports and respects women. It’s their bodies, their choice, right? Great! Thanks Bill. Until he changes his discourse towards the fact that at the end of the day abortion is killing a baby. Well, duh? Bill! There’s nothing substantial about your opinion so better shut up for next time please. It killed me that he said it like that. It’s not about science, it’s not about morality, it’s not about pro-life movements, it’s not about what the supreme court says, it’s not about the controversy. It kills me for something much more individual than the whole political/social climate around whether abortion should be legal or not. It kills me because those people have never questioned the fact that for us women it’s very real and it pretty much exists in our minds the knowing that we are killing a baby; our baby. It’s heartbreaking. Do those people have any idea how difficult it is to make a decision like that? Do you really believe we are made of stone and it’s just as easy as to decide what to eat for breakfast? They have no idea the guilt that us women have just for a second of having thoughts of not wanting to have a baby for whatever reason or circumstance. Imagine the emotional distress for those who decide getting an abortion, again, even if it’s the best decision they have ever made, it still very much hurts. It still breaks your heart. Imagine the roller coaster of emotions of having a miscarriage days before your abortion appointment. As if nature made the decision for you after all, it is still inevitable to feel guilt when we know that external opinions have more validation than our own voice.

I personally believe that pro-life movements are bathed in hypocrisy. Those who claim to be anti-abortion are mostly racist, homophobic, transphobic, intolerant people. You cannot say that you are pro-life when the life of a woman is at risk of maternal death. I don’t think a person becomes pro-life due to a collective demand, one is born pro-choice due to the collective and individual nature of fighting for women’s autonomy and human rights. The difference between choosing one or the other relies in education.

For all those women who have gone through this in silence, without getting the right opportunity to let yourselves be, for those who are going through severe depression or other mental illnesses, I grieve with you. I mourn with you. I stand next to you. Together we can change the narrative. How? For starters by accepting and acknowledging it as such, as a huge painful loss, among us. The world will catch up later. And if you want to keep it in private it’s okay too, just know that you are allowed to withdrawal from the world as long as it takes. Everybody has a different process and it needs to be respected. I feel you, I respect you, I stand next to you.